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Not since Moby-Dick...No, not since Treasure Island...Actually, not since Jonah and the Whale has there been a sea saga to rival The Pirates! In an Adventure with Scientists, featuring the greatest sea-faring hero of all time, the immortal Pirate Captain, who, although he lives for months at a time at sea, somehow manages to keep his beard silky and in good condition.
Worried that his pirates are growing bored with a life of winking at pretty native ladies and trying to stick enough jellyfish together to make a bouncy castle, the Pirate Captain decides it's high time to spearhead an adventure.
While searching for some major pirate booty, he mistakenly attacks the young Charles Darwin's Beagle and then leads his ragtag crew from the exotic Galapagos Islands to the fog-filled streets of Victorian London. There they encounter grisly murder, vanishing ladies, radioactive elephants, and the Holy Ghost himself. And that's not even the half of it.
- Sales Rank: #154363 in Books
- Published on: 2004-10-19
- Released on: 2004-10-19
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 6.83" h x .68" w x 4.63" l,
- Binding: Hardcover
- 144 pages
From Booklist
In a style reminiscent of Monty Python and Douglas Adams (or so the publisher asserts) comes this tiny tome from fledgling author Defoe, set in the early 1800s (although filled with anachronisms such as Post-it Notes and dental floss). The adventure begins as the pirate captain (none of the crew have names, just descriptions, such as the "pirate with the red scarf" and the "pirate dressed in green") mistakes Charles Darwin's ship, Beagle, for a treasure ship from the Bank of England and boards it. Darwin's only claim to fame at this point is that he has taught an ape--a Man-panzee by the name of Mr. Bobo--to behave as a proper, albeit speechless, English gentleman. The pirate captain and Darwin, now chums, head back to England to rescue Darwin's brother, who has been abducted by the evil bishop of Oxford. Once in foggy London, the pirates encounter damsels in distress, nefarious schemes, and even the Elephant Man. Aficionados of outre British humor should find this amusing. Michael Gannon
Copyright © American Library Association. All rights reserved
About the Author
Gideon Defoe, who lives in London, is twenty-eight. He wrote The Pirates! to convince a woman to leave her boyfriend for him. She didn't.
Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.
'The best bit about being a pirate,' said the pirate with gout, 'is the looting.'
'That's rubbish!' said the albino pirate. 'It's the doubloons. Doubloons are easily the best bit about
pirating.'
The rest of the pirates, sunning themselves on the deck of the pirate boat, soon joined in. It had been several weeks since the Pirates' Adventure with Cowboys, and they had a lot of time on their hands.
'It's the pirate grog!'
'Marooning! That's what I like best!'
'Cutlasses!'
'The Spanish Main!'
'The ship's biscuits!'
One of the pirates pulled a special face to show exactly what he thought of this last comment, and soon all the pirates were fighting. With a sound like a bat hitting a watermelon, pirate fist connected with pirate jaw and a gold tooth bounced across the deck. The pirate with gout found himself run through in a grisly manner, and one of the cabin boys accidentally got a shiny pirate hook in the side of the head. It would probably have gone on for hours in this fashion, but both of the heavy wooden doors that led to the downstairs of the boat crashed open, and out onto the deck strode the Pirate Captain himself.
The Pirate Captain cut an impressive figure. If you were to compare him to a type of tree-and working out what sort of tree they would be if they were trees instead of pirates was easily one of the crew's favourite pastimes-he would undoubtedly be an oak, or maybe a horse chestnut. He was all teeth and curls, but with a pleasant, open face; his coat was of a better cut than everybody else's, and his beard was fantastic and glossy, and the ends of it were twisted with expensive-looking ribbons. Living at sea tended to leave you with ratty, matted hair, but the Pirate Captain somehow kept his beard silky and in good condition, and though nobody knew his secret, they all respected him for it. They also respected him because it was said he was wedded to the sea. A lot of pirates claimed that they were wedded to the sea, but usually this was an excuse because they couldn't get a girlfriend or they were gay pirates, but in the Pirate Captain's case none of his crew doubted he was actually wedded to the sea for a minute. Any of his men would have gladly taken a bullet for him, or even the pointy end of a cutlass. The Pirate Captain didn't need to do much more than clear his throat and roll his eyes a bit to stop the fighting dead in its tracks.
'What's going on, you scurvy knaves!' he bellowed. Pirates were often rude to each other, but without really meaning it, so none of the brawling pirates took being called a 'scurvy knave' too much to heart.
'We were just discussing what the best bit about being a pirate is,' answered the pirate dressed in green, after a bit of an awkward pause.
'The best bit about being a pirate?'
'Yes sir. We couldn't quite decide. I mean, it's all good . . .'
'The best bit about being a pirate is the shanties.'
And with the argument settled, the Pirate Captain strode back into the galley, indicating for the pirate with a scarf to follow. The rest of the crew were left on their own.
'He's right. It's the shanties,' said the albino pirate thoughtfully. One of the other pirates nodded.
'They are really good. Shall we sing a pirate shanty?'
The Pirate Captain was secretly relieved when he heard the strains of a rowdy shanty coming through the roof of the galley. Just recently he had been worrying about discipline on board the pirate boat, and there was an old pirate motto: If the men are singing a shanty, then they can't be up to mischief.*
'Come into my office for a moment,' he told the pirate with a scarf, who was his trusty second in command. The Pirate Captain's office was full of mementoes from the previous pirate adventures. There was a ten-gallon hat from the Pirates' Adventure with Cowboys, and some old bits of tentacle from the Pirates' Adventure with Squid, as well as several Post-it notes reminding the Pirate Captain to say things like 'Splice the mainsail!' or 'Hard about, lads!' On the walls there hung several fantastic paintings of the Pirate Captain himself-one of them showed him looking anguished and cradling a dead swan: this painting was titled WHY? Another was of the Pirate Captain reclining naked except for a small piece of gauze. And a third pictured the Pirate Captain sharing a strange futuristic-looking drink with a lady who seemed to be made from metal. There were also quite a lot of nautical maps and charts about the place, and even an astrolabe. The Pirate Captain wasn't 100 per cent sure what the astrolabe did, or whether it was actually an astrolabe rather than a sextant, but he enjoyed fiddling with it when he got bored, nonetheless. Right at the moment boredom was an issue that weighed heavily on the Pirate Captain's mind.
'Care for some grog?' he asked politely. The scarf-wearing pirate wasn't very thirsty, but he said yes anyway, because if you start turning down grog when you're a pirate it doesn't help your reputation much.
'Ship's biscuits? I've got ship's custard creams, and ship's bourbons,' said the Pirate Captain. He held out a tin that had a boat painted on it and the pirate with a scarf took a bourbon, because he knew custard creams were the Pirate Captain's favourites.
'What do you think all that brawling was about, number two?' asked the Pirate Captain, absentmindedly seeing how fast he could spin the astrolabe using just one finger.
'Like the men said . . . it was just a friendly discussion that got a bit out of hand,' replied the scarf-wearing pirate, not entirely sure where the Pirate Captain was going with this, but amazed as always that he could carry on a conversation whilst doing complex calculations with an astrolabe. That sort of thing was why the Pirate Captain was the Pirate Captain, the pirate with a scarf reflected.
'I'll tell you what it was about,' said the Pirate Captain. 'It was about bored pirates! I've made a mistake. We've been moored here in . . . in the . . .' The Pirate Captain rubbed his nose, which he liked to think of as a stentorian nose, even though stentorian is actually a tone of voice, and squinted at one of the charts.
'The West Indies, sir,' said the scarf-wearing pirate, helpfully.
'Mmmm. Well, we've been here too long. I thought that after our exciting adventure with those cowboys, we could all do with a break, but I guess us pirates are only really happy when we're pirating.'
'I think you're right, sir,' the scarf-wearing pirate said. 'It's nice enough here, but I keep on finding sand in my grog, from all that lying about on the beach. And those native women, wandering about with no tops on . . . it's a bit much.'
'Exactly. It's time we had another pirate adventure!'
'I'll let the other pirates know. Where will we be heading for? Skull Island? The Spanish Main?'
'Oh, Lord, no! If we plunder the Spanish Main* one more time, I think I'll tear out my own beard,' said the Pirate Captain, trying on the ten-gallon hat and narrowing his eyes like a cowboy as he studied his reflection in the mirror.
'So what were you thinking?'
'Something will come up. It usually does. Just make sure we've got plenty of hams on board. I didn't really enjoy our last adventure much, because we ran out of hams about halfway through. And what's my motto? "I like ham!" '
'It's a good motto, sir.'
Back on deck, the other pirates had finished their shanty-which had been about how a beautiful sea-nymph had left her rich but stupid Royal Navy boyfriend for a pirate boyfriend because he was much more interesting to talk to and could make her laugh-and now they were roaring. This was another common pastime amongst the pirates.
'Rah!'
'Oooh-arg!'
'Aaaarrrr, me hearties!'
It didn't mean much, but it filled a few hours. They all stopped when they saw the pirate with a scarf had come back from his meeting with the Pirate Captain. He almost slipped in a pool of the cabin boy's blood that was left over from the fight.
'Can somebody swab these decks?' he said, a little tetchily. Left to their own devices, the pirates tended towards the bone idle.
'It's Tuesday! Sunday is boat cleaning day!'
'I know, but somebody could get hurt.'
The diffident pirate gave a shrug and went off to find a swabbing cloth, whilst the remaining crew looked up expectantly from where they were sprawled. The scarf-wearing pirate gazed out across the sparkling water, and at the tropical beach with its alabaster sands, and the forest of coconut palms behind that, and then he noticed one of the pretty native ladies and so he quickly looked back down at his pirate shoes.
'Listen up, pirates,' he said. 'I know all this endless wandering up and down the beach . . . and our interminable attempts at trying to choose which sort of mouth-watering exotic fruit to eat . . . and all these wanton tropical girls knocking around . . . I know it's been getting you down.'
A couple of the pirates muttered something to each other, but the scarf-wearing pirate didn't quite catch what they said.
'So you'll be happy to know,' he went on, 'that the Pirate Captain has ordered us to put to sea, just as soon as we've collected some hams for the journey.'
A buzz of excitement ran around the deck.
'Perhaps we should cook the hams first, before setting off?' asked the pirate dressed in green.
'That sounds like a good idea,' said the albino pirate.
'Do you think roasting is best?' asked the pirate with a nut allergy.
The scarf-wearing pirate sighed, because he knew how seriously the pirates took their ham, and he could predict how this was going to end up. He tried to look hard-nosed, which involved tensing all the muscles in his nostrils, and with as much authority as he could manage he said, 'Yes, roasting is good. It allows the free escape of watery particles that's necessary for a full flav...
Most helpful customer reviews
46 of 48 people found the following review helpful.
Scurvy Doggerel: In Praise of 'The Pirates!'
By bensmomma
Oh, to be a pirate captain with a fine luxurious beard,
Spearheadin' an adventure three parts farce and one part weird,
In which Mr. Charles Darwin in a prominent role you'll see,
Amazing all of London with Bobo the Man-panzee.
The evil Bishop of Oxford tries to scupper Darwin's plans,
To show off Bobo's manners, equal to a gentleman's,
This monkey knows which spoon to use, can make a fine cocktail,
So the pirates must assure the Bishop's wicked scheme will fail.
The pirate dressed in green appears, the pirate with the hook,
And the albino pirate cavorts through this funny book,
They live on ham and Cocoa Puffs (and limes to quench their thirsts),
But there's one what dies of scurvy cause he lives on Lime Starbursts.
Oh somewhere folks're reading stuff that's solemn and demure,
But if you've a taste for Python then this book you will prefer,
'Cause nowhere else on God's Green Earth a funnier book you'll see,
What ho, Defoe! Please write some mo'!
'The Pirates!," that's for me!
11 of 11 people found the following review helpful.
A great book! Aaargh!
By Debra Hamel
When they're not belting out a lusty sea shanty or arguing about the best way to prepare ham, there's nothing pirates like more than a rousing adventure. Happily, that's just what's in store for the Pirate Captain and his shipful of variously monikered pirates--the scarf-wearing pirate, the pirate with an accordion, the ill-fated balding archeologist pirate--when they bump into Charles Darwin and his trained monkey Mr. Bobo in the South Pacific. Together, Darwin and the pirates sail off to England to combat the Bishop of Oxford, an evil-mustachioed villain with a diabolical scheme involving the grisly murder of numerous circus-going women. The Pirate Captain may be an unusually gullible scofflaw, and--how to put this nicely--he's not the sharpest cutlass in the drawer, but his peculiar combination of hirsute manliness, keen introspection ("Damn my piratical nature!"), and roguish je ne sais quoi may be just the thing needed to defeat the Oxfordian knave.
Gideon Defoe's exuberant The Pirates! In an Adventure with Scientists purports to be an account set down some 150 years ago by the debonair Pirate Captain himself--so the Captain's note to readers (specifically, negligee-clad, nineteen-year-old readers) on the back of the book alleges. (Careful readers may doubt the account's historicity, though, given its frequent anachronisms--references to Murder, She Wrote, for example, and Cocoa Puffs. I'll leave it to readers to nitpick.) It comes complete with the occasional footnote, some of the entries very odd indeed: "Black looks best on persons who have black in their features (hair, eyes, brows, and lashes), although black can be worn by most people for very dramatic occasions." There is also a handful of helpful questions for discussion in the back of the book. (For example, number seven: "Scientifically speaking, who do you think the tallest pirate in the world is?")
If it's not clear enough by now, Defoe's Pirates is a hilarious read filled with some extremely clever writing. Not for nothing has Monty Python's Eric Idle blurbed it as "destined to become a classic of pirate comic fiction." You'll want to read this one.
Reviewed by Debra Hamel, author of Trying Neaira: The True Story of a Courtesan's Scandalous Life in Ancient Greece
12 of 13 people found the following review helpful.
Fantastical! Piratical! Anachronistical!
By Bruce Crocker
Part of the fun of reading Gideon Defoe's The Pirates! In An Adventure With Scientists is picking up on the anachronisms that litter the book like dead lubbers. Some are obvious - Post-It Notes - and some are less so - things in the Natural History Museum in London that will be there long past the year the story takes place [brontosaurus wouldn't make it into the Natural History Museum until at least 50 years after the story takes place]. The basic story goes like this - pirates capture Charles Darwin and the crew of the Beagle and they go to London and have an adventure. If the reader has issues with suspension of disbelief, then this slim volume will be tough going. Some knowledge of pirates and the real people in Darwin's cohort are necessary to get a lot of the jokes [Darwin's pet bulldog in the story is named Huxley]. The humor is very British [although understandable on this side of the pond] and very silly. Although they probably won't have a lot of the background necessary to find it funny, this book is safe for young readers, the worst things in it being very mild innuendo and swear words represented by assorted punctuation marks. This is the type of book you can knock off in a couple of hours on a lazy afternoon while sipping rum in the sun. I doubt it will ever be a bestseller [and it didn't win the author the hand of the young lady he was trying to impress], but if you like pirates, Darwin, and have a sense of humor, you should find the book a short and enjoyable read.
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